my brain has been spinning off in so many different directions this last month. i desperately want to write it out, but somehow the only thing i can seem to focus on are these software engineering thinkpieces where i spew jargon about niche technical errata.
never once in my life have i had this happen. i don’t know why i’m writing these things, it just feels autonomic or subconscious, like some kind of self-defense mechanism in the face of huge, ominous portents.
compared to anything else i’ve written, i’ve never cared this little about how they’re received. which is not to say that i don’t care (because i can’t not care a ~bit~), but it doesn’t bother me whether anyone reads these things. they’re so disposable.
it’s especially weird because six months ago i was looking for ways out of tech. i’ve been pretty well convinced for a while now that software and the internet has done way more harm than good. this feeling grows day by day, but lately i find myself drawn back in to technology. i spent four days straight watching talks from dev conferences, and since then engineering videos have returned to my daily media diet. just loading my brain up with the minutiae of servers and databases. i feel like a pacifist studying howitzers.
maybe it’s all a way to take a break from bad news. but there’s this voice in my head that keeps reminding me that this is kinda what i’m good at. not that it’s my only skill, but i’ve been living and breathing computers since my earliest memories. i’ve been getting paid for tech work since i was 15. maybe i shouldn’t throw that away at a time when software is wreaking havoc on the world.
it’s not as if i know know what to do with this knowledge, though. i find myself embroiled in very basic philosophical questions. how do i have the best impact? where should i focus my efforts? and for the first time i’m seriously wondering if i should just aim to make more money so i can pour it into the people and places and ideas i believe in.
i don’t have any love for money, i hate the idea of chasing after it as an end. but right now, today, what will feed and house and heal so many people can be bought with money. i honestly do not know how to change our government, its laws, its institutions, or its economy. i don’t see many other people that seem to know how, either. but maybe i can at least shift resources?
then another part of my brain kicks in and laughs at me for this capitalist indoctrination i’ve succumb to. that’s exactly what ~they~ want me to do, compromise my labor in the pursuit of currency. i’m fooling myself if i think i can morally justify this machiavellian pursuit of social justice. another voice chimes in to say we’re in a goddamn culture war and money is what buys the ads that keep ben shapiro’s fascist garbage pouring across everyone’s screens.
my head aches.