Been trying hard to keep it constructive on social media, but on day 40, I must vent.
Today, I am a bowl of cold noodles. I’m disintegrating into a gelatinous goo of frustration. I am one-tenth of a human being. I’ve been holding my breath for so long. Just keep holding. And holding. And holding. Because that’s all there is to do. There’s no choice in the matter.
Some days, I can see the silver linings. The possibilities for change. The ways this can push us to be better, to grow, to adapt. I take solace in knowing we’re all in this together. It’s cool to feel like we’re all on this same wavelength. That doesn’t happen very often, you know? It makes for a sense of oneness, even if it’s kinda dark.
I know that these are moods. That some days, I will wake up with a tendency to see one more than the other. There’s a good chance I’ll wake up tomorrow or the next day and feel a little better, for no particular reason.
Today, I’m missing the music more than ever. I miss being sweaty. I miss the stupidly loud sound systems, the sticky smell of the fog, the sweet taste of mate, the acidic sting of cigarette smoke. I miss looking across the dance floor, recognizing the silhouette of a good friend and feeling that little spark of excitement as we greet each other.
I miss browsing the events on FB and RA to try and pick out what I’d go to this weekend. I miss the “ooh” moment of skimming IG stories when I see a good flyer and looking up the event to RSVP. I miss waking up on Saturday and Sunday morning to review the posts and see how other parties turned out.
I miss leaving the dance floor at midnight to go outside and complain about all the normies, then sticking it out til 5am when things really get good. I miss rolling my eyes at the drunk bro who’s stepped on my feet three times in the last fifteen minutes. I miss making up an excuse to leave a boring conversation and I’d kill just to get overcharged for a bottle of warm water.
I’m tired of the sirens. I’m tired of thinking about the future and wondering what’s waiting for us there. I’m tired of shitty video calls with all their compression artifacts and lag and asking fifty times every day if you could please repeat that. I’m exhausted with our government – not just the white house, mind you – and I’m so unbelievably tired of being scared for the well-being of my friends.
Thanks for listening. This was cathartic to write.
P.S. If you need help with groceries or bills, please message me. I will help you, no questions asked.