Fading

Music has always held a strange place in my head. You know that I have strange listening habits – a look at my last.fm tells you that I’ve listened to the same ten songs almost ten-thousand times. Some of them are short, some of them aren’t. I listen to one song on repeat until it no longer matches my mood. On other days, whatever I’m listening to carves my mood.

This is one of those days. I woke up late again, after not doing a pile of homework that was due, I sat in the shower and stared at the wall for thirty minutes before fumbling my way back downstairs and laying on my bed for four hours. There’s a sense of hopelessness that takes over, and the word ‘worthless’ kept running through my head all day. I know it’s not true, but a quick, objective examination of my life over the past year doesn’t warm my soul too much. I want a lot of things taken care of, for me. I want to be done with school, to forget it and move on. I want a job, truly and earnestly – I want to be doing something productive and I want to be compensated for it. I don’t enjoy generalizing my accomplishments in my head, repeating past victories in my head to console a bruised ego.

But that’s what the word ‘worthless’ is about. High school has been, on the whole, about losing my ego. That’s a good thing. Yet alongside that, I’ve stopped expecting anything of myself, because I have no pride to defend. I fantasize about having a job that I’ll enjoy in five (mayhaps seven) years, about some day being in good shape physically, mentally, and emotionally. I yearn for independance, the ability to stand on my own two feet. Some mock the idea of humans being independant, for we’re dependant creatures, but I think you (yes, you) know what I mean.

My one comfort in this is that I can look at past versions of my self (with a space) and know that I’m building up, not down. I might be lazy, unreliable, and apathetic, but I know I’ve grown, somewhere in there. I’m just not doing that growth any justice. It deserves better than this.