This Thanksgiving, I am unusually unthankful. I have plenty of things to be thankful for, but these seem very insignificant compared to the problem I am faced with right now.
That problem, I believe, is me.
I called Mr. semi-famous old guy twice yesterday. The first time, to say that I would be an hour late (mostly due to me not getting up soon enough). He hung up on me while I was talking. The second time, to say that I needed to cancel. I was told, in response, that this was goodbye, that I was completely unreliable.
My initial response was denial. I felt that the circumstances for which I could not work for him were out of my control, and that he had no right to disrespect me like that. Upon examining the situation, however, I realized he was right. The reason I had to cancel was so that I could rake leaves with my dad, which he had rather firmly insisted I do in exchange for staying home Monday. When it got dark before I got to it on Monday, and spent all of Tuesday at that Robotics LAN, it had to be Wednesday. While the timing for that was mostly out of my control, the whole reason I had to rake the leaves was because I stayed home. I stayed home because I failed to finish my work in a timely manner.
I’ve replayed the exact conversation in my head at least a few dozen times. It’s wrenching me. I feel like I should send an email apologizing, but I’m not sure he would even want that. I have never been this utterly lost and incapacitated. I was caught off guard.
I don’t get caught off guard. That’s not what I do. But that’s what the past three months have been for me, situations and people and challenges that are catching me off guard. Perhaps it’s because of the summer. Having a job that was generally fun, productive, AND pertained to what my aspirations for a career are, feeling like I was learning something every day, never feeling felt constricted or bored, it put me in my comfort zone, to say the least.
I’m really not sure what to be thankful for, these days.