It’s gotten a bit strange how much of my time I spend evading direct questions, when talking to a lot of people during my day. It’s so much easier when you have complete control over what people know about you, but it’s become something of a test to see if people can cut through my bullshit. Most won’t blink twice at how vague I can be. Some of them are just being polite until they get to know me better, others really just aren’t listening in the first place.
But, it would be another facade if I were to say I did it solely as a way to test people. I just do it because I don’t like dishing out seemingly unsatisfactory answers. Being vague is a form of verbal procrastination – when I have the information I want to give, I’m focused and direct. Those that know me, know that – but I also use that trait to draw attention away from other subjects that I don’t want to undergo too much scrutiny.
The days I enjoy most, are those where I don’t have to be coat everything I say in a bouquet of flowers. The people I enjoy most, are those that I never need to do the dance with. The people I dislike most? Those that pretend, act, and lie.
It’s an important distinction. I don’t pretend or act. I’m pretty realistic about myself, and it’s because of that, that I feel the need to throw up so many deflections. Not that I’m afraid of anyone knowing me – to the contrary, I’m an open person. That’s why I’m writing this at all. No, no, it’s about perception and respect. I am a vain soul. It’s the strong, but unfortunate drive behind much of what I do. It wasn’t until I realized how much of my desires were mere vanity that I could sort through what’s worth pursuing.
Computer science is strong evidence to this. I am, at this point, mostly confident that my future is not in the field of technical work. I’m inexorably tied to the hardware I do so love, but only in so much that I am a gamer and a scrutinizer of the trends that result from this piece of machinery. To the point, though; my interest in Computer Science, I suspect, was a result of my desire to live up to the expectations which I enjoyed, and the chance to participate in something intellectually competitive on a large scale. In simpler terms: from youth, most of my family and friends assumed (on a reasonable basis) that I would venture into a realm of technology, because of my affinity for and desire towards the field. Combined with an easy chance to prove myself as truly skilled through keen programming skill, eventually completed by entering into what is generally accepted as an elite field (game design), I would have “mastered” a skill – not for bragging rights, but to enjoy the perception that would be drawn around me, serving also to feed my ego which I secretly enjoy (refer back to vanity).
It sounds so simple – we are so often told not to live by the expectations of others, but I don’t think most people who speak those words even know what it means to do such, or what it feels like. I certainly wouldn’t label myself as a servant to the hopes and dreams of my elders and peers, nor (I doubt and hope) would anyone else. It was not that I felt pressure from those desires, but instead a desire to receive those pressures and the rewards met by living under those.
It comes through in so many other ways. In recent months I have been running oh-so consistently. Yet for most of my years of running, I had yet to comprehend why I find enjoyment in it, and why this enjoyment comes and goes much less reliably, and sometimes more frequently, than a full moon. With time, comes plenty of chance to consider the evidence, and I do believe it is all for the same reason. I run to be seen. My favored route goes through collegetown – and I slow down before and after so that I can sprint, because I enjoy getting the weird looks from passers-by. It’s such a jackass thing to do, yet I do it because I am just that vain.
I hope I actually wake up for classes today. I want to start my Psychology class. I don’t think I’ve ever been this excited about any course yet. Someone at the restaurant, a student at Cornell, was telling me about her Human Development major – it’s a combination of Sociology and Psychology (which also happens to be in the state school at Cornell – meaning wickedly cheap). We shall see.