Friends and family, I have been forced to this by someone (I do not know who).
What am I talking about? I woke up at 7:30 this morning. Not a big deal. Jonathan was gonna take me to school (as planned the night before, because my Dad was at a meeting). I go upstairs and hear that Mom is still home, and since Jonathan was still asleep, I figured I’d ask her if she could take me first. As expected, she said no, so I went downstairs and started getting ready. She comes down and starts telling me how several people have told her that I watch movies and TV all the time, as proven from the contents of my blog (she has read this once in its lifetime, and that was not recently), and that when I get home from school we’re having a talk. I continued upon my merry way, being late to school for the hundredth time thus far.
I am tired of people (I do not know who) reporting everything I write here to my parents, like some kind of private detectives, giving details with no context. This blog is not “evidence”. This has happened before, and I am done with it. I’ve given my parents the current blog address multiple times, they can read it if they want to. If they don’t, that is their fault, and does not mean they need to have information fed to them. I am not hiding the contents of this site. I write here because I enjoy it and it’s a fun way to keep in touch with my friends. I won’t have it ruined by a single person.
I shall also use this opportunity to quote Karen, to lighten the mood.
(Pretend this is Paul)
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First of all, in my superior omniscience I decided to indulge the banal sensibility of you philistines, so note that I have changed my website yet again in a way none of you have the slightest chance of fathoming. Try to comprehend, this is no mere stochastic decision; unlike the arbitrary digital aesthetic that so characterizes the blogs of certain others, my layout is pleasingly devoid of irregularities such as “comments.”
I would like to take the opportunity to assert my undying devotion to baseball. Baseball is my god, my heart of hearts, the one I spend lonely nights alone in my bed fantasizing about. If baseball were a human, I would lick its naughty parts. If it were capable of impregnating me, and I capable of impregnation, I would gladly bear each its precious, beautiful children. I would happily allow the Yankees to sodomize me, one by one or simultaneously. Baseball is so important to me, I speak rarely of anything else, much to the chagrin of my friends and loved ones, who reply by begging me to alter my topic of conversation, or threatening to end my life. But I would not! Such is the devotion I hold for this beloved pasttime.
At this juncture I feel an insult to the Red Sox is necessary, but I used the word “suction” (albeit incorrectly) in my last post, and Merriam-Webster’s Online Thesaurus is down.
To conclude, there are not enough hours in the day for me to reply to all of your assertions of adoration for my genius and wit. However, it is my duty to respond to any and all criticisms as acerbically as my extensive vocabulary permits.